THE VENETIAN BUTTERFLY

Don’t Sweat the Technique

The setting: to do this well you’ll need a horse. If you don’t have a horse just have them lay on their back.

The foreplay: first movement, you shouldn’t be talking at this point, if you are talking you will want to proceed with shutting up, you talk too much and you don’t just walk up to beauty and kiss her on the lips. Kiss the area around the Venus.

The foreplay: second movement, you will need to understand the anatomy of the Venus before we proceed. Things will have to be touched and things not. Refer to Figure 1. Touch the petals, touch what’s under. Touch the style. Do not touch the Stigma. Relax, you’re doing good, don’t rush, listening, the bee gathers honey slowly and deliberately.

The first act: you will want to stroke the Stigma like Rembrandt. You will want to flick it like Pollock. If you are uncertain, go to a museum and study Rembrandt, skip Pollock, you already know how to do it.

The second act: retreat at the climactic point, be at peace that you got this far without a horse. Resume the dance around the Stigma.

The third act: you will now need to use your right hand. If you are left handed, you will need to ask your partner to lend you a hand at this point, it is hopeless alone.

Insert two fingers palm up, while playing with the Stigma, find the G-spot (refer to “Finding the G-spot for Dummies”) and motion towards yourself as if she has something you want, as if she knew a secret you’d want to hear. The right combination of tongue painting and finger inviting will determine whether this ends tragedy or comedy.

The epilogue: the day was long and the night is going, hold Venus like a cup. For a moment, make a motion that says stay. This is the part that gives the butterfly. This is the part that they don’t teach.